*The feelings expressed in this blog are pertaining to Cancer and my personal experiences with the disease. I am sure much of what I am saying can be associated with other life threatening diseases and serious ailments. I do not wish to minimize anyones suffering from Cancer or anything else, I simply wish to focus on something that this time of year is meant to focus on anyways*
I consider myself lucky when I think about my relationship with Cancer and things of the unplanned, life altering disaster nature. It’s somewhat odd because I have lost 3 family members to Cancer, but because they are Grandparents and I was lucky to have much of my life with them as they lived into their 80s before succumbing to the horrible C. The feeling of being lucky comes from the fact I haven’t had to deal with what I call immediate loss, a loved one immediately close to me. A sibling, parent, best friend, best friends significant other or kid, none have I had the awful experience of having to deal with their battle and/or loss of life yet in my life (and better believe I just knocked on wood as I will 10 times through writing this entire thing). I seriously count my blessings, thank karma, whatever it is that decides this shit, and I take note.
Like I said, however, I have lived through the experience of someone changing because of Cancer. Very recently my last Grandparent, my Dad’s Mom, died from Cancer during which she lived in my parents house I grew up in with them while receiving her care that eventually turned to palliative care.
Currently my best friend is going through his Mom battling this shit for a 3rd time. 3rd time! When I asked him the other day how he was doing, how everything was, what he said really struck me.
“It’s just weird. This is all so weird”.
It IS weird. One day you are going about your usual activity then *BAM* some shit happens. We hope we are lucky enough that that shit is good, but as we get older we start to face the reality of that shit often being not so much. Sometimes these days you are going about your business and then suddenly you get a phone call. Maybe it’s from a one step relation person close to a loved one who just got their diagnosis. Maybe it’s from the actual person.
I remember when my Mom got a preliminary test that was a first step towards preventative diagnosis of BC that was mailed back telling her the test came back positive and she needs to get more tests.
A test that could be the first step on the road to finding out you have Cancer gets mailed to you!!!??? WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?
Even weirder was she obviously opened it, read it, and in the way only my Mom can be just put it down and went on her way, probably to the flower market before going to her job at the MFA, meaning she read the letter at 330/4am. I was living at home during this time last year and came down in the AM and saw it.
I freaked the f**k out. Like I’m talking grade school girl or boy meeting Bieber 10 years ago or whenever that would have been crazy but just in the complete and total opposite emotion way. I called my mom incessantly to the point she rushed out of her job to make sure I was OK.
Turns out she had already gone for the next step in the tests and they had confirmed she was 100% OK, she had just been filing some things away and got that letter out and mistakenly put it down and forgot to file it. She hadn’t told anyone about the first test being positive because she didn’t want to upset anyone like it had upset me. This is my Mom.
She apologize to me profusely.
My Mom, having gone through a period of time where she very rightfully might have thought she had Cancer, was apologizing to me for upsetting me about that very thing.
Weird. This shit is just weird. And please, this isn’t a “whoa as me I had to experience thinking my Mom had Cancer for 5 hours” kind of thing. But at the same time, those 5 hours were absolute hair raising chaos in my brain unlike I’ve ever experienced. I went from waking up, morning s**t and email check, shower, morning dog petting, coffee, then thinking my entire life was about to be completely changed/potentially destroyed because I just found out my Mom has Cancer.
My buddy is living through that, or did live through that for a 3rd time. It’s weird having a friend you’re so close to have a loved one be sick. You’re constantly asking THEM how they’re doing and then how they’re loved one is, but really it’s probably just a constant reminder to them that their loved one is sick. Weird how our care and sympathy can actually be a bad thing. My buddy actually both asked me to stop asking him and told his mother, who I am relatively close to, that I keep asking so she just tells me now. Which is a whole new level of weird, having the mother of your best buddy of 20 years who has Cancer for a 3rd time directly telling you how her chemo is going, how her sickness is, how miserable she is at times.
It’s weird because I am not close enough with her to hear these things, and I was at first a bit taken back. But then I realized that the another weird thing about these life shattering events is when you put the pieces back together things are different. 1st time, 3rd time, doesn’t matter, going through Cancer or any potentially terminal sickness has to be the loneliest experience their is. Nobody, not one person, knows how you feel when the lights are out at night and the only one to talk to is yourself. No matter their experience, even if they went through the same illness, because nobody is you and nobody has your brain and thoughts and fears of life and death.
It’s just all so weird how things can be so the same and so different for all of us, and how different life can turn in one second. My Mom doesn’t have Cancer, but my best friend’s mom does, and I have no idea and still have no idea how to support him or her, the latter now being a situation I am in as she has texted me more the last 6 months than ever before combined. Clearly she just needed someone to empty the sh*t filling her head. My life is weird, and not 1% as weird as hers, or his, or what it might have been.
I am a lucky weird one I guess. I hope only the same for anyone I love or know.
This Saturday we are working out to help fight Cancer. I ask a lot of you. We ask a lot of you. Charity wise. Please come, buy a T shirt, help us make Cancer less weird.
No classes. Just “Grace” for Barbells for Boobs. 10am. CrossFit Lando.
Strength : Push Press
WOD : 5 Rounds
20 Wall Ball 20/14
20 Box Jumps 24/20 (full stand)
– rest 30s
S: 15 reps, step ups
L1: 15 reps
Rx+: 25 reps
EMOM 10m : 2 Split Jerk, hold catch for 3 seconds
Accessory : Push Press
Conditioning : WOD : 5 Rounds
20 Wall Ball 20/14
20 Box Jumps 24/20 (full stand)
– rest 30s